Even before I left home I didn't feel settled. Dad had just died and I was getting used to it just being me and mom at home, and I dreaded the month of August coming because I knew Spencer was leaving and who really wants to be away from their best friend anyway? It meant that this brand new journey was starting and I was going at it all alone. Without my mom, without the support and fellowship of girls I had grown with all high school, without Millie who I couldn't have gotten through most days without, and without Spencer who I love desperately. I wanted to hold onto my past SO bad. I wanted things to stay just how they were yet wished they were different because as school started and everything changed, I still had to grieve the loss of dad and learn how a long distance relationship can actually work. I didn't build the friendships I thought I would have, but I hold myself back from that and I'm not really sure why. There were and still are days I cant even believe Spence has put up with my moods that really stem from me missing him (totally twisted I know). I dealt with not getting into the nursing program and my plans for school changing multiple times. I had my days when I was mad a the Lord, I complained and complained and complained all along just squirming about my circumstances. Nothing was how it used to be and I certainly was not cooperating with what it was the Lord was trying to teach me.
But its all of that- one thing after another after another that continued to bring me to a place where I felt alone. A place where my prayers consisted of "God bring Spencer back, give me friends, basically I was begging God to make me comfortable, in reality I was saying God this season of my life just cant be whats best for me, it just cant. I had a skewed view of contentment- one that consisted of good circumstances and people I love. I became so self centered and by Gods grace (and the Priscilla Shirer conference in which she spoke on Gideon) I was able to realize that this is exactly what God wants for me.
This year the Lord has refined me because he loves me. I am so thankful that he didn't give up on me, throw in the towel and say "Savannah, I cant take your grumbling anymore, you just don't get it! Instead he helped me realize that He knows things I don't know!! He created and sustains the WHOLE WORLD, what makes me think he is not setting me up for what it is he is calling me to do? Has he ever been anything but faithful to me? Just as the Lord came to Gideon in Judges 6 he comes to me in my times of difficulty. He desires to change me before he changes my circumstances. I pray that he will find me faithfully doing what it is he calls me to do in this season of my life.
Yes this season of my life is exactly where God wants me, this year has been one where its just me and God and what a blessing that has turned out to be! What a growing opportunity. What a privilege and opportunity to become equipped and prepared for what it is God KNOWS is going to happen.
-I've learned this year:
-If I don't change my perspective I will miss God.
-To truly truly find total contentment in the Lord.
-That its not about who I'm with or whats on my schedule of things to do for the day or the week, its not those things or those people that make me happy, but its the Lord that truly satisfied.
-I can make plans but Gods is better than mine. Always
-When I complain I only spur myself on to selfish living- I'm missing the blessing somehow
-That Gods hand has been all over Spencer leaving and God is growing us both
-God loves me too much to just make me comfortable
-I really want my life to be one that brings honor and glory to the Lord
-He is jealous for me
Psalm 27:8 My heart has heard you say "Come and talk with me" and my heart responds "Lord I am coming"
