To say it has been long since I have posted would be an understatement. My last post was at the end of last semester, and here it is now, 4 months later with just 4 weeks left in the semester! (not that I'm counting!) So much stuff has happened and will be happening! I plan on blogging more though these next couple months because I now find my self with SO much free time on my hands as online classes have ended and two of my other classes have ended. This summer I will be retaking anatomy classes to pull up my GPA so I can hopefully (fingers crossed) get into the summer accelerated nursing program here at Liberty and be caught up my junior year! But that means that I will be here, in lynchburg for 8 weeks this summer. Looks like me and the Lord have many hours of quality time ahead- and while I am bummed my summer will be less I just know that there will be great MUCh needed growth in my spiritual life over the next three months.
This semester the Lord has used people, circumstances and especially my evangelism class to reveal SO many areas in my life I continually fall short in. Its always humbling, challenging and slightly discouraging when you are reminded "Im SO far from arriving, and being the person I'm supposed to be" But there is HOPE! I've been made aware of my broken state.
-Im prideful: I continually struggle with wanting to say to the Lord, "God I know what is best for my life, and there is NO WAY whats going on now is best for me, this just CANT be how things are supposed to be!"
-Im selfish: Im all about my comfort. I fake myself out by saying "I like being alone, I'm ok not being a "social" person when really I often substitute that statement to justify my becoming indifferent to the people around me. How often I just don't care about others because I'm SO self centered. It is not independence but a lack of love for others and people in general.
-Idols, thoughts of discontentment and just blatant sin have crawled in and taken up house in my life. Be it be body image and wanting to "fit" into this mold of what doesn't even exist, or thoughts of un satisfaction and a complaining attitude that lead to this DAILY battle with contentment. I'd reading a book called "Lord Change My Attitude" by James McDonald and I highly recommend it if you are ready to be challenged to grow and broken before the Lord.
-Recently its been loneliness; which is a first for me, I never would have said I was struggling with loneliness. At campus church last night we sang how he loves and it was just such good medicine for my soul. Being able to claim that truth not based on how I feel but because it is TRUTH was just what I needed.
I think I could continue this list but I'll stop for now. Just yesterday a girl in my prayer group gave me a card. She knows of what Im struggling with and in it she told me to read Psalm 73. So, i did just that and it was such encouragement of how David was literally pouring out his heart before the Lord. He was admitting his struggles in their rawest form and yet he ends in a state of victory, encouraged knowing the Lord is his refuge no matter what his struggles are and he desires to TELL of the good things the Lord does!! Verses 21-28 were exactly what I needed and what I have been clinging to since reading this passage!
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
(I've felt defeated, wounded, confused and felt my heart becoming bitter and without fail, EVERY time I'm in that mind set of defeat I forget to TRUST! And when I forget to trust I become a FOOL. I become ignorant, prideful and "panic" almost before the Lord. But bottom line is the Lord has done NOTHING but prove his faithfulness to be time and time again!)
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
-I've done nothing but meditate on this all week!
I have realized my broken state before the Lord this semester. But praise God we are NOT just left as broken people, but because of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ we are able to come before the Lord, broken, as we are. Hebrews 4: 16 "Therefore let us approach the throne of grace with boldness so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us at the proper time."
I have been blown away at the Lords constant never ending river of grace and mercy towards me. I fall short EVERY SINGLE DAY and his grace for me is abundant. His forgiveness towards me is not because of anything I have done but simply because he is good. He is good, he is good, he is good, he is good, he is good, no matter what, he is good.
So in my brokenness I will pursue him and I expect nothing more than to be blown away at the plans he has for my life and way he is going to use this time of "pruning" John 15:2 ...He prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce MORE fruit."
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