What a busy two weeks it has been! Currently I should be studying for my lab quiz but I decided I have put off blogging for long enough. Whew! I can breath! I just took my second to last anatomy test! After two weeks of studying I can only hope to see the results I've been wanting! A year ago today dad went into the hospital. I always remember weird dates. November 2nd we found out the cancer was back and I remember just a week later, the 9th he was in the hospital. Im looking to this holiday season feeling a little uneasy. Last year everything was so surreal that it didn't even feel like what had happened was actually happening!
If im real honest with myself, the more i feel like I am not in control of my circumstances the more tightly I try to hold onto them. This creates a very painful time though because every time, God wins, not me. Looking back at this past year change stands out to me. My family lost my dad, I had to decided where to go to college, I graduated high school, I was changed going to Haiti, I said goodbye to friendships and hello to others, I went to college, I had to seek what God was calling me to major in, I had to learn how I study, more importantly I had to learn HOW to study, I had to learn to sleep in my own bed :), and learn to live on my own in a way. All of this.. in less than a year. Talk about God wanting to teach me something. If I wasn't careful oftentimes I would miss it. It was so easy for me to focus on feeling tossed around, unsettled, and uncomfortable.
I was reading from 2 Corinthians 12- a passage I had become familiar with in high school and for the first time it felt practical in my life. vs. 7 ...a thorn in the flesh was given to me.. now while no nothing of that sort has happened to me in the past year at times it has felt that way. Circumstance have been so annoying and nagging.. I never knew that growing up was so complicated. in vs. 8 ..I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. In talking to a friend I was telling her about how I felt like this described how i felt, time and time again I have begged God to change things in my life and God used her to speak to me. she said "maybe God doesn't want to change your circumstances because he wants to change you"
hum.. in vs. 9 But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness, Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness so that Christ power may reside in me. The past couple weeks Christ has be teaching me that its a privilege really that He would even choose to use me. My life is His. He knows whats going to happen and because of that I DONT HAVE TO!! I just have to TRUST HIM. His grace is enough! I've sung that in songs but don't think i have ever claimed it has true in my own life. He wants to be my everything and He wants to be my first love regarding every area of my life. He has the master plan, He is the boss, my job is to simply follow Him, obey, grow in Him, and strive to be more like Him. He desires for me to be completely dependent upon Him and because I tend to be stubborn it always takes me longer to realize that.
So right now i've decided God is not going to change my surrounds. But he can change me, he wants to grow me and I'm on this ride if i like it or not. I have chosen to get on board with God, everyday I have to ask him to pry my uneasy fingers off of my life because in this past year of change I have held tightly to my life forgetting all along that it is not mine in the first place.
until next time,
me
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