Today is a BIG day!

I have been more than terrible about keeping this up but today is a day for a blog because I just don’t want to forget it. God is so good and his timing is perfect. 

I remembered today that Saturday was the three year mark that my dad gave his life to Christ. If you knew my dad, you also know that his addictions and hard heart made his salvation seem impossible. But God did it- he melted his heart of stone. In fact, “I want to ask Jesus into my heart” were the exact words he spoke to me through tears.  God healed my dad spiritually rather than physically-- and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know I have blogged about it before but I never want to forget that moment. His words after we prayed of “thank you for not giving up on me” are forever engraved in my heart and they will forever motivate me when the salvation of others seems impossible. 

God is so good. He is so faithful. He has used every ounce of pain I ever felt and turned it into something way bigger than myself.  If it were up to me I would be a wedding planner and definitely not in college.  (If you know me, you know that school is the last thing I want to do.) Yet, God has different and better plans for me, so here I am in nursing school surviving and even loving it. 

Today is a big day! Today is my first day at the hospital for nursing school! If you had told me three years ago what I would be doing today I would not believe you. As I rejoiced today that I can rest assured my dad is no longer sick or suffering I am also able to reflect back and see just how God really did use my past to prepare me for my future. Today marks the day that I am finally able to see a glimpse of the plans God has for me.

Nervous, anxious, but mostly nervous—feelings of  doubt and thoughts of “I have no idea what I’m doing, I'm not prepared for this", are clouding my mind. And in fact, I probably will feel that way for a while. But that’s not what I want to remember. Today in convocation God had a word just for me that has brought complete peace and confirmation that I am exactly where I should be. 

We looked at Exodus 3 this morning.  When God told Moses that he was going to bring his people out of Egypt the first thing Moses said was “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?” Moses felt inadequate. Yet God responded with a promise, “I will be with you”.  Still doubting a few verses down Moses asks God what he should say and God gives him specific instruction on what to say.  “Say this” and “Say this”.  In chapter 4 Moses, moving on to yet another excuse as to why he is not fit for the task tells God that he cannot do this because he is not eloquent in his speech. Gods response? A rhetorical question…”Who has made mans mouth? ...Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak”.  God provided Moses with a promise and confirmation that Moses was prepared for that specific task. In the same way, God has made me for a specific task- this one. Who am I to question him, I am simply to obey him and forget all of the “what if’s” that lead only to anxiety.

As silly as it may seem I was reminded today that though I feel completely unqualified and unprepared to go to the hospital today God will be with me. Just as he has always been, my job is to be faithful; to work hard studying so I can become the best nurse I can be and then watch what God does through me.  I cannot wait to encounter patients who remind me of my dad, patients who I know will motivate me and remind me of why I am doing what I am. 

-S

Psalm 77 11-14

I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes I will remember your wonders of old.

I will ponder all your work, 

and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Your way O God is holy.

What god is great like our God?

You are the God who works wonders;

you have made known your might among the peoples.

8 weeks

8 weeks of my summer have been consumed with summer school here in Lynchburg.  I had an opportunity to retake some classes so that I would hopefully be guaranteed a spot in the nursing program here at Liberty next year. Low and behold I've almost made it all 8 weeks! Today marks the 6 week mark, only two more weeks! It has been such a blessing being here because God worked it out for me to live with a family and watch there kids for a free place to live.  Living in a home, and with a family has made for no home sickness and given me a feeling of summer still, even though I'm taking classes everyday.  


Even before I began this summer journey I just KNEW God was up to something and looked at this segment of time really as a chance for God to get me alone and work on some things in my life - my attitude and perspective and get them back where they need to be and on Him.  I was thinking today "man I really have to write this stuff down! which is making the blog the result of that. God has humbled me, challenged me, and matured me as a result of this spiritual boot camp and time alone with him. 


-Towards the beginning of my time here I really felt God calling me to get right with him- confess some sin I had been avoiding and pretending didn't exist.  He really got my attention at how "worldly" I had become and how I placed my happiness and joy on things on the world and circumstances being a certain way and not on HIM. I had to humble myself before the Lord.  


-God called me to look for him, daily! To realized that he is with me all day every day no matter where I am or what I am doing.  I should approach each new day with the desire to find Him. Even if its in sunshine, flowers, birds, friendships, when I started doing this I realized that God is way more involved in my day to day life than I ever thought.  He's created and crafted everything all with the intent of wooing me to himself and it does when I take the time to be AWARE. 


-God challenged me to practice Psalm 27:8  When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek." To daily spend time with him and REALLY take that up as a habit, a necessity and I can say that It's getting to a point where if I don't spend time with the Lord  right when I wake up my day feels weird, I feel like I've missed what it is God has for me that day. I look forward to my time with the Lord.  I come to him ready to be renewed and to be spirit minded.  In my devotional it really spoke of the power of the Holy Spirit and what a BIG deal that is.  Beginning this habit allowed God to begin convicting me about being spirit minded and allowing the Holy Spirit to control my thinking and take captive all my thoughts. This is hard because I had to think about every word before I said it and every thought and work to see it from the perspective of the Lord. Its something that I still am working on and will always work on it but being aware of it has made a big difference.  


-I can say that my prayer life has gone from about a 4 to about a 7 or 8 and it has made such a difference! Especially with my tendency to worry about and control my life.  It is such a privilege that until this summer I took for granted. Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people. pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.  Its ten times easier to trust God when I am communicating to him! When I know that he knows my fears and my worries because I have voiced them to him (even though he already knows them) talking to him and telling him relieves me of having to worry. The pouring out my heart part has been more of a challenge. I realized that when I pray I tend to "hide" things and mostly I hide my emotions from God which is not a good thing. When i'm lonely or really in need of God to remind me of his filling my "dad void" I often don't tell him.  so I'm working on that.  

-Lastly I'm learning in both class and scripture at how powerful the tongue is. And words for that matter.  Words can either tear down or build up and mine have done plenty of tearing down.  I read Ephesians 4:25-32: 

²⁵ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”^[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold. ²⁸ Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

 ²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³²Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I read it and felt like I could say nothing but God i'm so sorry. how many times have I given the devil a foothold and my anger gotten the best of me? and how many times have unwholesome,bitter, slandering words slipped out of my mouth. Ouch. 

-I have found myself frustrated when the kids I watch complain.  I think "if you only knew how ungrateful you sound right now, you have above and beyond all you could possibly need" It hit me one day- "thats how I sound to God when i complain about my circumstances.  I need to be reminded daily that God knows things I don't know.  

I could keep going but I think this blog is already way to long.

Goodbye Freshman year!!

Here it is 3 days before I pack up all of my stuff and go home to begin a journey I will fill you in on later but I can't help but reflect back on my freshman year of college in all its glory.  If there was a common theme I had to place on this year I would say adjustment/complaining. Talk about newness! While no, its not an excuse, coming to college was not what I expected it to be. I definitely would not say I liked this year, in fact I would not choose to rewind and replay it for anything.  It was uncomfortable but I know without a doubt it was a year of refining.  I continually felt like the rug had been pulled right out from under me.  It was a year of just me and God.  I have never had to find contentment in JUST God. I've always had God AND people, relationships, or circumstances to satisfy me. 


Even before I left home I didn't feel settled.  Dad had just died and I was getting used to it just being me and mom at home, and I dreaded the month of August coming because I knew Spencer was leaving and who really wants to be away from their best friend anyway? It meant that this brand new journey was starting and I was going at it all alone.  Without my mom, without the support and fellowship of girls I had grown with all high school, without Millie who I couldn't have gotten through most days without, and without Spencer who I love desperately.  I wanted to hold onto my past SO bad. I wanted things to stay just how they were yet wished they were different because as school started and everything changed, I still had to grieve the loss of dad and learn how a long distance relationship can actually work. I didn't build the friendships I thought I would have, but I hold myself back from that and I'm not really sure why. There were and still are days I cant even believe Spence has put up with my moods that really stem from me missing him (totally twisted I know). I dealt with not getting into the nursing program and my plans for school changing multiple times.  I had my days when I was mad a the Lord, I complained and complained and complained all along just squirming about my circumstances. Nothing was how it used to be and I certainly was not cooperating with what it was the Lord was trying to teach me.  


But its all of that-  one thing after another after another that continued to bring me to a place where I felt alone.  A place where my prayers consisted of "God bring Spencer back, give me friends, basically I was begging God to make me comfortable, in reality I was saying God this season of my life just cant be whats best for me, it just cant. I had a skewed view of contentment- one that consisted of good circumstances and people I love. I became so self centered and by Gods grace (and the Priscilla Shirer conference in which she spoke on Gideon) I was able to realize that this is exactly what God wants for me. 


This year the Lord has refined me because he loves me. I am so thankful that he didn't give up on me, throw in the towel and say "Savannah, I cant take your grumbling anymore, you just don't get it! Instead he helped me realize that He knows things I don't know!! He created and sustains the WHOLE WORLD, what makes me think he is not setting me up for what it is he is calling me to do? Has he ever been anything but faithful to me? Just as the Lord came to Gideon in Judges 6 he comes to me in my times of difficulty. He desires to change me before he changes my circumstances. I pray that he will find me faithfully doing what it is he calls me to do in this season of my life. 


Yes this season of my life is exactly where God wants me, this year has been one where its just me and God and what a blessing that has turned out to be! What a growing opportunity. What a privilege and opportunity to become equipped and prepared for what it is God KNOWS is going to happen.  

-I've learned this year:  

-If I don't change my perspective I will miss God.

-To truly truly find total contentment in the Lord. 

-That its not about who I'm with or whats on my schedule of things to do for the day or the week, its not those things or those people that make me happy, but its the Lord that truly satisfied. 

-I can make plans but Gods is better than mine. Always

-When I complain I only spur myself on to selfish living- I'm missing the blessing somehow

-That Gods hand has been all over Spencer leaving and God is growing us both

-God loves me too much to just make me comfortable

-I really want my life to be one that brings honor and glory to the Lord 

-He is jealous for me

Psalm 27:8 My heart has heard you say "Come and talk with me" and my heart responds "Lord I am coming"

Say yes!

Oh my!! I am so excited for today! That is something I have not been able to say for a while. First convocation this morning was so refreshing and spoke right to my heart.  Priscilla Shirer brought it! I thought I would share because it was so encouraging to me and I hope it can be to you as well! 


She was speaking about Joshua and his immediate obedience to the Lord when God told him he was to lead the Israelites (2 million of them!) to the promise land. He didn't try to negotiate or squirm his way out of it- which Im sure he was scared of what it is he knew God was calling him to do- he was a BRAND new leader!! But Joshua had great faith because he acted immediately in obedience to God regardless of how impossible the situation looked or how scared he was. He understood something I so often don't, he understood that God knows what we don't and that God had ALREAY set him up for victory, he just had to be obedient!! God doesn't call the equipped but he equips the called and because of that no matter what situation I or you find yourself in you can be obedient in what it is the Lord is calling you to do with confidence that you will be victorious. 


They waited for three days watching the jordan river get bigger and bigger each day and the situation looking more and more impossible.. sounds a lot like my life sometimes! The longer I sit and stew and squirm and stay unsatisfied and become less and less willing to do what it is the Lord is calling me to do the less and less likely I am to trust, and the more likely I am to forget who my God is and forget that he is sovereign.  Satan desires to steal kill and destroy and because of that he desires to cripple us is fear!! Enough so that we will no move, we will not take another step because we are scared, or we just DONT see how something can happen. Often it is what we are most scared of that God is calling us to do, otherwise satan would not try navigate us away from the situation by making us scared! 


Joshua did two other things, He pointed everyone he was leading to the presence of God and in Joshua 3:4 he says "Then you will know which way to go since you have never been this way before." He was saying 1. Remember the Lord!! Acknowledge Gods presence BEFORE you make a move! And 2. We have never done this before so THAT is why its important we acknowledge the Lord, by doing so He will show us what our next step will look like! (Proverbs 3:6- In ALL YOUR WAYS acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.) 


I have been so distracted, and become so complacent, and so content in a dull, routine walk with the Lord.  Yet all this time those feelings of discontentment and un satisfaction have been the very things that have the Lord is using to woo me, to call be back himself, by not allowing ANYTHING else to fully satisfy me. After seeing the example set by Joshua I am able to push away frustration and say ok Lord YOU are God. I may feel that things are out of control and I may pridefully question and second guess where it is the Lord has me right now. I have been shaken out of my comfort zone but because of that I can hold even tighter to the Lord and look for growth opportunities. I can say "yes" to the ways God is working in my life right now, even if they are not what I would choose.  Just like Joshua I can be obedient, conquer my fear and unbelief with trust and acknowledge the Lord in my life knowing that bottom like: its not about me, its about honoring the Lord with my life and if this season my life does that then I can "Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted" Isaiah 12:4


Also, after a week of fighting off loneliness and not knowing that I would fill my weekend with I became aware of a conference put on by who else but Priscilla Shirer for tonight and Saturday night!! I am so excited and will be passing along what it is I learn!! 

Pruning

To say it has been long since I have posted would be an understatement. My last post was at the end of last semester, and here it is now, 4 months later with just 4 weeks left in the semester! (not that I'm counting!) So much stuff has happened and will be happening! I plan on blogging more though these next couple months because I now find my self with SO much free time on my hands as online classes have ended and two of my other classes have ended. This summer I will be retaking anatomy classes to pull up my GPA so I can hopefully (fingers crossed) get into the summer accelerated nursing program here at Liberty and be caught up my junior year! But that means that I will be here, in lynchburg for 8 weeks this summer. Looks like me and the Lord have many hours of quality time ahead- and while I am bummed my summer will be less I just know that there will be great MUCh needed growth in my spiritual life over the next three months.  

This semester the Lord has used people, circumstances and especially my evangelism class to reveal SO many areas in my life I continually fall short in. Its always humbling, challenging and slightly discouraging when you are reminded "Im SO far from arriving, and being the person I'm supposed to be" But there is HOPE! I've been made aware of my broken state. 

-Im prideful: I continually struggle with wanting to say to the Lord, "God I know what is best for my life, and there is NO WAY whats going on now is best for me, this just CANT be how things are supposed to be!" 
-Im selfish: Im all about my comfort. I fake myself out by saying "I like being alone, I'm ok not being a "social" person when really I often substitute that statement to justify my becoming indifferent to the people around me.  How often I just don't care about others because I'm SO self centered. It is not independence but a lack of love for others and people in general. 
-Idols, thoughts of discontentment and just blatant sin have crawled in and taken up house in my life. Be it be body image and wanting to "fit" into this mold of what doesn't even exist, or thoughts of un satisfaction and a complaining attitude that lead to this DAILY battle with contentment. I'd reading a book called "Lord Change My Attitude" by James McDonald and I highly recommend it if you are ready to be challenged to grow and broken before the Lord.
-Recently its been loneliness; which is a first for me, I never would have said I was struggling with loneliness. At campus church last night we sang how he loves and it was just such good medicine for my soul. Being able to claim that truth not based on how I feel but because it is TRUTH was just what I needed. 

I think I could continue this list but I'll stop for now. Just yesterday a girl in my prayer group gave me a card. She knows of what Im struggling with and in it she told me to read Psalm 73.  So, i did just that and it was such encouragement of how David was literally pouring out his heart before the Lord. He was  admitting his struggles in their rawest form and yet he ends in a state of victory, encouraged knowing the Lord is his refuge no matter what his struggles are and he desires to TELL of the good things the Lord does!! Verses 21-28 were exactly what I needed and what I have been clinging to since reading this passage!

²¹ When my heart was grieved
   and my spirit embittered, 
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
   I was a brute beast before you.

(I've felt defeated, wounded, confused and felt my heart becoming bitter and without fail, EVERY time I'm in that mind set of defeat I forget to TRUST!  And when I forget to trust I  become a FOOL. I become ignorant, prideful and "panic" almost before the Lord. But bottom line is the Lord has done NOTHING but prove his faithfulness to be time and time again!)

²³ Yet I am always with you;
   you hold me by my right hand.
 ²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
   and afterward you will take me into glory. 
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever.
 ²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
   you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. 
²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God. 
   I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; 
   I will tell of all your deeds.  


-I've done nothing but meditate on this all week! 


I have realized my broken state before the Lord this semester. But praise God we are NOT just left as broken people, but because of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ we are able to come before the Lord, broken, as we are. Hebrews 4: 16 "Therefore let us approach the throne of grace with boldness so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us at the proper time."

I have been blown away at the Lords constant never ending river of grace and mercy towards me.  I fall short EVERY SINGLE DAY and his grace for me is abundant. His forgiveness towards me is not because of anything I have done but simply because he is good. He is good, he is good, he is good, he is good, he is good, no matter what, he is good. 

So in my brokenness I will pursue him and I expect nothing more than to be blown away at the plans he has for my life and way he is going to use this time of "pruning" John 15:2 ...He prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce MORE fruit." 

Home stretch!

I love how no matter what the circumstances I go through the Lord allows me to better understand them after they have passed. Seeing as he doesn't even have to let me in on His workings I find that very reflective of His character.  The semester is almost over! I cannot believe how FAST it has gone by! I have a chemistry exam tomorrow morning and a anatomy exam tuesday (which i need an 80 or higher on so if your reading this.. pray!!!) then I am home bound!  I was reading today and came upon a verse I've read time and time again: 
1 Peter 5:7 cast all your cares upon Him, because he cares about you. 
If there is a common lesson I've learned over and over this semester it would be this one.  The Lord has  broken me down, corrected me, revealed His character to me more, and taught me. I have had my fair share of days this semester when I felt completely unenjoyable, uncomfortable, unsatisfied, unhappy. There have been days of nothing but what feels like spiritual warfare this semester and i've been constantly reminded by the Lord to give it to Him, let Him deal with it because HE LOVES ME. 
I have the hardest time being told what to do. I really struggle being ok while being under the control of someone else and having no say or choice in what my live looks like. The girl in me desires to plan! To know what is ahead, and to be organized.  I've learned so much this semester and the best way I know to remember them is to make a list. 
I've learned:
-That planning and having faith cannot and DO NOT go together.  
-The importance of spending time in Gods word daily, I cannot be changed unless I saturate myself in scripture. 
-God wants to be sought after, He wants me to love him, to seek him with all of my heart: the same way I long to be desired, so does he. 
-God desires me, he wants me, he loves me, and he is jealous for ME!! because of that he will not let me be truly satisfied by anything or anyone else. : "I the Lord your God am a jealous God who will not share your affection with any other god!" Ex. 20:5
-That I can study, I can be productive, I can learn chemistry and memorize every bone in the body! 
-There is a void in my heart left from dad that the Lord is still working to fill. Because of that void I have to be on my guard about idols, I have to keep my eyes on the Lord and wait, in patience for Him to fill it and be teachable while he does so. 
-I am incredibly blessed. Because of the Lord in my life, I am rich.  I learned to need to be more generous and give away what was never really mine in the first place. 
- It's not about me, my life is not even about me, my relationships, my efforts, my dreams and goals are all from Him and because of that, for Him. 
-My needs and the Lords riches fit together.  I was designed and created to depend on the Lord, my needs were created so that I would go to the Lord to fulfill them. If i go to outside sources, I've missed what God has for my life. 


There have been so many clear lessons this semester that have been revealed to me.  I need God. That is probably the biggest, simplest, lesson.  I've always heard it but don't think i have ever meditated and saturated myself with that truth.  I cannot be effective without His guidance in my life. And i want to be effective! I want to impact the lives of others I want my college years to be years that i grow the most! Years where the foundation of my relationship with the Lord is laid. After the start to a rocky semester I feel that I can now say with confidence that I am where I need to be and I am chasing after the right things, for the right reasons, and expecting great results for my future.  

Trust Lesson

What a busy two weeks it has been! Currently I should be studying for my lab quiz but I decided I have put off blogging for long enough. Whew! I can breath! I just took my second to last anatomy test! After two weeks of studying I can only hope to see the results I've been wanting! A year ago today dad went into the hospital. I always remember weird dates.  November 2nd we found out the cancer was back and I remember just a week later, the 9th he was in the hospital.  Im looking to this holiday season feeling a little uneasy.  Last year everything was so surreal that it didn't even feel like what had happened was actually happening!


If im real honest with myself, the more i feel like I am not in control of my circumstances the more tightly I try to hold onto them.  This creates a very painful time though because every time, God wins, not me. Looking back at this past year change stands out to me.  My family lost my dad, I had to decided where to go to college, I graduated high school, I was changed going to Haiti, I said goodbye to friendships and hello to others, I went to college, I had to seek what God was calling me to major in, I had to learn how I study, more importantly I had to learn HOW to study, I had to learn to sleep in my own bed :), and learn to live on my own in a way. All of this.. in less than a year.  Talk about God wanting to teach me something.  If I wasn't careful oftentimes I would miss it.  It was so easy for me to focus on feeling tossed around, unsettled, and uncomfortable.


I was reading from 2 Corinthians 12- a passage I had become familiar with in high school and for the first time it felt practical in my life.  vs. 7 ...a thorn in the flesh was given to me.. now while no nothing of that sort has happened to me in the past year at times it has felt that way. Circumstance have been so annoying and nagging.. I never knew that growing up was so complicated. in vs. 8 ..I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. In talking to a friend I was telling her about how I felt like this described how i felt, time and time again I have begged God to change things in my life and God used her to speak to me.  she said "maybe God doesn't want to change your circumstances because he wants to change you"


hum.. in vs. 9 But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness, Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness so that Christ power may reside in me.  The past couple weeks Christ has be teaching me that its a privilege really that He would even choose to use me.  My life is His. He knows whats going to happen and because of that I DONT HAVE TO!! I just have to TRUST HIM. His grace is enough! I've sung that in songs but don't think i have ever claimed it has true in my own life. He wants to be my everything and He wants to be my first love regarding every area of my life.  He has the master plan, He is the boss, my job is to simply follow Him, obey, grow in Him, and strive to be more like Him.  He desires for me to be completely dependent upon Him and because I tend to be stubborn it always takes me longer to realize that.


So right now i've decided God is not going to change my surrounds. But he can change me, he wants to grow me and I'm on this ride if i like it or not. I have chosen to get on board with God, everyday I have to ask him to pry my uneasy fingers off of my life because in this past year of change I have held tightly to my life forgetting all along that it is not mine in the first place.


until next time,
me