I love how no matter what the circumstances I go through the Lord allows me to better understand them after they have passed. Seeing as he doesn't even have to let me in on His workings I find that very reflective of His character. The semester is almost over! I cannot believe how FAST it has gone by! I have a chemistry exam tomorrow morning and a anatomy exam tuesday (which i need an 80 or higher on so if your reading this.. pray!!!) then I am home bound! I was reading today and came upon a verse I've read time and time again:
1 Peter 5:7 cast all your cares upon Him, because he cares about you.
If there is a common lesson I've learned over and over this semester it would be this one. The Lord has broken me down, corrected me, revealed His character to me more, and taught me. I have had my fair share of days this semester when I felt completely unenjoyable, uncomfortable, unsatisfied, unhappy. There have been days of nothing but what feels like spiritual warfare this semester and i've been constantly reminded by the Lord to give it to Him, let Him deal with it because HE LOVES ME.
I have the hardest time being told what to do. I really struggle being ok while being under the control of someone else and having no say or choice in what my live looks like. The girl in me desires to plan! To know what is ahead, and to be organized. I've learned so much this semester and the best way I know to remember them is to make a list.
I've learned:
-That planning and having faith cannot and DO NOT go together.
-The importance of spending time in Gods word daily, I cannot be changed unless I saturate myself in scripture.
-God wants to be sought after, He wants me to love him, to seek him with all of my heart: the same way I long to be desired, so does he.
-God desires me, he wants me, he loves me, and he is jealous for ME!! because of that he will not let me be truly satisfied by anything or anyone else. : "I the Lord your God am a jealous God who will not share your affection with any other god!" Ex. 20:5
-That I can study, I can be productive, I can learn chemistry and memorize every bone in the body!
-There is a void in my heart left from dad that the Lord is still working to fill. Because of that void I have to be on my guard about idols, I have to keep my eyes on the Lord and wait, in patience for Him to fill it and be teachable while he does so.
-I am incredibly blessed. Because of the Lord in my life, I am rich. I learned to need to be more generous and give away what was never really mine in the first place.
- It's not about me, my life is not even about me, my relationships, my efforts, my dreams and goals are all from Him and because of that, for Him.
-My needs and the Lords riches fit together. I was designed and created to depend on the Lord, my needs were created so that I would go to the Lord to fulfill them. If i go to outside sources, I've missed what God has for my life.
There have been so many clear lessons this semester that have been revealed to me. I need God. That is probably the biggest, simplest, lesson. I've always heard it but don't think i have ever meditated and saturated myself with that truth. I cannot be effective without His guidance in my life. And i want to be effective! I want to impact the lives of others I want my college years to be years that i grow the most! Years where the foundation of my relationship with the Lord is laid. After the start to a rocky semester I feel that I can now say with confidence that I am where I need to be and I am chasing after the right things, for the right reasons, and expecting great results for my future.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Trust Lesson
What a busy two weeks it has been! Currently I should be studying for my lab quiz but I decided I have put off blogging for long enough. Whew! I can breath! I just took my second to last anatomy test! After two weeks of studying I can only hope to see the results I've been wanting! A year ago today dad went into the hospital. I always remember weird dates. November 2nd we found out the cancer was back and I remember just a week later, the 9th he was in the hospital. Im looking to this holiday season feeling a little uneasy. Last year everything was so surreal that it didn't even feel like what had happened was actually happening!
If im real honest with myself, the more i feel like I am not in control of my circumstances the more tightly I try to hold onto them. This creates a very painful time though because every time, God wins, not me. Looking back at this past year change stands out to me. My family lost my dad, I had to decided where to go to college, I graduated high school, I was changed going to Haiti, I said goodbye to friendships and hello to others, I went to college, I had to seek what God was calling me to major in, I had to learn how I study, more importantly I had to learn HOW to study, I had to learn to sleep in my own bed :), and learn to live on my own in a way. All of this.. in less than a year. Talk about God wanting to teach me something. If I wasn't careful oftentimes I would miss it. It was so easy for me to focus on feeling tossed around, unsettled, and uncomfortable.
I was reading from 2 Corinthians 12- a passage I had become familiar with in high school and for the first time it felt practical in my life. vs. 7 ...a thorn in the flesh was given to me.. now while no nothing of that sort has happened to me in the past year at times it has felt that way. Circumstance have been so annoying and nagging.. I never knew that growing up was so complicated. in vs. 8 ..I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. In talking to a friend I was telling her about how I felt like this described how i felt, time and time again I have begged God to change things in my life and God used her to speak to me. she said "maybe God doesn't want to change your circumstances because he wants to change you"
hum.. in vs. 9 But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness, Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness so that Christ power may reside in me. The past couple weeks Christ has be teaching me that its a privilege really that He would even choose to use me. My life is His. He knows whats going to happen and because of that I DONT HAVE TO!! I just have to TRUST HIM. His grace is enough! I've sung that in songs but don't think i have ever claimed it has true in my own life. He wants to be my everything and He wants to be my first love regarding every area of my life. He has the master plan, He is the boss, my job is to simply follow Him, obey, grow in Him, and strive to be more like Him. He desires for me to be completely dependent upon Him and because I tend to be stubborn it always takes me longer to realize that.
So right now i've decided God is not going to change my surrounds. But he can change me, he wants to grow me and I'm on this ride if i like it or not. I have chosen to get on board with God, everyday I have to ask him to pry my uneasy fingers off of my life because in this past year of change I have held tightly to my life forgetting all along that it is not mine in the first place.
until next time,
me
If im real honest with myself, the more i feel like I am not in control of my circumstances the more tightly I try to hold onto them. This creates a very painful time though because every time, God wins, not me. Looking back at this past year change stands out to me. My family lost my dad, I had to decided where to go to college, I graduated high school, I was changed going to Haiti, I said goodbye to friendships and hello to others, I went to college, I had to seek what God was calling me to major in, I had to learn how I study, more importantly I had to learn HOW to study, I had to learn to sleep in my own bed :), and learn to live on my own in a way. All of this.. in less than a year. Talk about God wanting to teach me something. If I wasn't careful oftentimes I would miss it. It was so easy for me to focus on feeling tossed around, unsettled, and uncomfortable.
I was reading from 2 Corinthians 12- a passage I had become familiar with in high school and for the first time it felt practical in my life. vs. 7 ...a thorn in the flesh was given to me.. now while no nothing of that sort has happened to me in the past year at times it has felt that way. Circumstance have been so annoying and nagging.. I never knew that growing up was so complicated. in vs. 8 ..I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. In talking to a friend I was telling her about how I felt like this described how i felt, time and time again I have begged God to change things in my life and God used her to speak to me. she said "maybe God doesn't want to change your circumstances because he wants to change you"
hum.. in vs. 9 But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness, Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness so that Christ power may reside in me. The past couple weeks Christ has be teaching me that its a privilege really that He would even choose to use me. My life is His. He knows whats going to happen and because of that I DONT HAVE TO!! I just have to TRUST HIM. His grace is enough! I've sung that in songs but don't think i have ever claimed it has true in my own life. He wants to be my everything and He wants to be my first love regarding every area of my life. He has the master plan, He is the boss, my job is to simply follow Him, obey, grow in Him, and strive to be more like Him. He desires for me to be completely dependent upon Him and because I tend to be stubborn it always takes me longer to realize that.
So right now i've decided God is not going to change my surrounds. But he can change me, he wants to grow me and I'm on this ride if i like it or not. I have chosen to get on board with God, everyday I have to ask him to pry my uneasy fingers off of my life because in this past year of change I have held tightly to my life forgetting all along that it is not mine in the first place.
until next time,
me
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Parched Land
Oh Wednesday, how great it is to see you! Tonight me and court court are going to campus church and Clayton King is speaking so it is very possible i will make a new record of blogging twice in one day after his sermon. I know God is going to speak directly to me tonight. Well. This morning i got up at 9:08 which meant i was late, i had to meet my english teacher at 9 40 to have my paper edited and long story short i ended up being late to convo meaning i had to sit on the ground at the top because i wasn't going to walk down while everyone was already sitting to get my seat. Luckly, the speaker in my opinion was doozy he was from the house of representatives and spoke of government history things that don't quite yet interest me yet. (my dad would have LOVED it). Up until this point i felt like unless i was continually talking to God I wouldn't make it. Small conversations like "God help me get through this next hour, make me dependent upon you, keep me from wanting that "have a good day" text i usually look forward to. I sat down and opened my bible to Psalm 143 and underlined was verse 8. It is a short passage so i flipped back a page and read from verse one... these are the verses that stuck out to me.
1 O Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief
( just how i was feeling this morning)
5 I remember the days of long ago
I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
(God had shown me time and time again I can trust him.. that means i can trust him with this)
6. I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
(thats how desperate i want to be for God)
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way i should go,
for to you I lift up my soul
(let the morning, this morning in particular, remind me of your unfailing never ending, perfect fulfilling love for ME, and show me what the next step is)
What an encouragement that was, I'm currently reading through Psalm and reading "Show me the way i should go" reminded me of
Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
I got to thinking God promises he will instruct me and teach me in the way i should go, thats a truth i can stand upon and claim. But he will counsel me? counsel... when I think of a counselor i think of someone who doesn't judge, someone with answers and solutions, advise and someone who listens and loves. I could use a counselor right about now and it occurred to me, Christ has promised to be that to me but i have to let him. I have to go to him, i have to be vulnerable honest, and willing to work through this with God. He doesn't want me to travel down any road in my life alone.
Today Christ revealed to me that if turn my eyes to him and just like the song says look full in his wonderful face the things of the world to grow strangely dim... its there that He can teach me what he wants me to learn right now. Its there that he can grow me into a the woman he wants me to be. For today though, I'm in the turning my eyes to God part of this journey. I know when i get to the next step he will show me great and might things which i do not yet know (Jer 33:3) But i have to be still and be quiet and learn, force myself to find true satisfaction in Him alone. Being satisfied is something i don't think can be faked so ill be on this journey for as long as it takes me to get to that point.
I have allowed the dullness of routine and feeling like i was just surviving instead of thriving to root itself in my life by being so focused on future plans and decisions and I have missed what Christ is trying to teach me right now. I always seem to learn things the hard way but ill get there no doubt. Im starting to absorb the truth that He is always ready to listen, to give advise, to spend time with me, to really be that counselor.
If Christ can be glorified then to me its worth it. And I do believe God in his greatness can somehow be glorified through this period in my life.
until next time,
me
1 O Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief
( just how i was feeling this morning)
5 I remember the days of long ago
I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
(God had shown me time and time again I can trust him.. that means i can trust him with this)
6. I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
(thats how desperate i want to be for God)
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way i should go,
for to you I lift up my soul
(let the morning, this morning in particular, remind me of your unfailing never ending, perfect fulfilling love for ME, and show me what the next step is)
What an encouragement that was, I'm currently reading through Psalm and reading "Show me the way i should go" reminded me of
Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
I got to thinking God promises he will instruct me and teach me in the way i should go, thats a truth i can stand upon and claim. But he will counsel me? counsel... when I think of a counselor i think of someone who doesn't judge, someone with answers and solutions, advise and someone who listens and loves. I could use a counselor right about now and it occurred to me, Christ has promised to be that to me but i have to let him. I have to go to him, i have to be vulnerable honest, and willing to work through this with God. He doesn't want me to travel down any road in my life alone.
Today Christ revealed to me that if turn my eyes to him and just like the song says look full in his wonderful face the things of the world to grow strangely dim... its there that He can teach me what he wants me to learn right now. Its there that he can grow me into a the woman he wants me to be. For today though, I'm in the turning my eyes to God part of this journey. I know when i get to the next step he will show me great and might things which i do not yet know (Jer 33:3) But i have to be still and be quiet and learn, force myself to find true satisfaction in Him alone. Being satisfied is something i don't think can be faked so ill be on this journey for as long as it takes me to get to that point.
I have allowed the dullness of routine and feeling like i was just surviving instead of thriving to root itself in my life by being so focused on future plans and decisions and I have missed what Christ is trying to teach me right now. I always seem to learn things the hard way but ill get there no doubt. Im starting to absorb the truth that He is always ready to listen, to give advise, to spend time with me, to really be that counselor.
If Christ can be glorified then to me its worth it. And I do believe God in his greatness can somehow be glorified through this period in my life.
until next time,
me
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Confirmation
I am writing this post for my benefit completely. I have to have something to go back to, something to reconfirm that my decision was what i felt God calling me to do, that it was something that will grow, teach, and mature me. Opportunity and blessing can come from this decision and i HAVE to be reminded of that when i feel totally lonely and like i made the wrong choice. I have gone out of my comfort zone, out of my routine, and relinquished control of a situation i realize i never really had control over in the first place.My feelings have not changed. But i realized that i have felt so unsatisfied because i'm trying to find my satisfaction in things other than God. (which i never thought would happen.. its as if i've been blinded thinking i didn't struggle with that then it hit me that i do.) I have felt let down and its just draining having expectations that come with having a boyfriend unmet. Right now God is telling me to pull back, telling me to let go and let God, to walk through a season alone, just me and God. To let God fill the void that dad left in my heart. It will be lonely, but I need to learn to use my spare moments to talk to God and use those spare moments to focus on how God wants to grow me. My primary needs have to be met from a primary source. If i want God to bless my relationship I have to listen to Him and let him test me, let him grow me. I have to be uncomfortable.
Today i prayed (while crying) "God show me that you WILL use this and that you WILL grow me, that you WILL hold me and fill the voids satan is trying to remind me of right now" I opened my devotional and the first sentence in my devotion was " Come to me when you are hurting and I will soothe your pain. I am All you need and just when you need it. Your deepest desires find fulfillment in Me alone." Alright God, this is yours and i know this will be hard but i'm taking your hand, i'm turing to you and for this first week i'm going to let you carry me in your arms and comfort me like only you can.
John 16: 20 "You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."
until next time,
me
Today i prayed (while crying) "God show me that you WILL use this and that you WILL grow me, that you WILL hold me and fill the voids satan is trying to remind me of right now" I opened my devotional and the first sentence in my devotion was " Come to me when you are hurting and I will soothe your pain. I am All you need and just when you need it. Your deepest desires find fulfillment in Me alone." Alright God, this is yours and i know this will be hard but i'm taking your hand, i'm turing to you and for this first week i'm going to let you carry me in your arms and comfort me like only you can.
John 16: 20 "You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."
until next time,
me
Monday, October 25, 2010
Too Full
Feeling full is something i normally try to avoid. As I sit here today after spending genuine time seeking God's face and allowing him to speak to me for the first time in a couple weeks I'm ashamed to say. I realize i have been so full. Too full. But full of all the wrong things. I have been so full of stress, worry, and just worldly things that i haven't been able to be hungry for God. I haven't been happy or satisfied because i've been racing trying to find my happiness and satisfaction in things other than God. I have been shown yet again any foundation i try to stand on other than God will leave me drained, exhausted, emotional, and missing out on what Christ has for my life right now. It really bothers be to think that everyday I allow to go by where i struggle to survive and just get by is a day that i will never get back and what if i miss what God has for me. What if i miss it because I'm too busy selfishly wallowing away in current situations i'm unhappy about. At some point in my life over the past couple of days i've had to say to myself "Savannah, get a grip of your life, learn to LIVE your life, tell satan to get behind you and take control of your walk with the Lord, take control of your happiness and realize that your joy comes from the Lord!!!! Joy is something that cannot be taken away from me, the joy of the Lord is my strength!
Psalm 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will flll me with joy in your presence
It doesn't say you may, but you WILL fill me with joy. I am restored today, in his presence, restored knowing that he has been faithful when I was not and that i can start over today, not because im worthy, but because he is. His consistent presence in my life is something that will never cease. Because of that I can claim the truth that I have a continual source of joy and that it comes from Christ. I can start today seeking Gods face in everything with confidence that I will find him and each time I will grow one step closer to becoming the woman he wants me to be and one step closer to becoming more like him and less like me. My prayer is that Christ will pry my finger off of my desires for my life and that I will desire God more than anything else. Anything.
until next time,
me
until next time,
me
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The Here and Now
What is it about the future that seems so.. appealing? That seems so much "better" than our current situation? The first three months of my so called "new life" as a college student have been filled with lesson after lesson and if i'm honest (which is what i promise to be while blogging) most days i find myself struggling to survive! Everything is so new! so fresh! yet at the same time so completely uncomfortable and not very fun. Each time i blog i really am going to try to focus on a growing pain, a lesson learned or a lesson I'm learning. For this blog the lesson is:
The uncomfortable is necessary.
I have discovered i have a hard time being at peace and being content with where i am. When i was little, i couldn't wait to be 16 and have my license, a boyfriend and boobs!! In high school i couldn't wait to be a senior.. in all honestly i really disliked high school, really really disliked high school. Those years were so awkward. My sophmore year i struggled through depression and learning to forgive. My junior and senior year ended up being a total emotionally draining blur with finally loving my dad and then having him taken away. (Although i gained him spiritually! Praise God). And now that i'm in college i yet again, can't wait to be DONE with school for good and get married. Walking from class back to my dorm one day it hit me... Every situation i find myself in I can't wait to get out of. And what a shame that is. I probably missed out on so many opportunities the Lord had for me in high school because i was too self consumed with focusing on future plans that i completely missed what He had for me right then. This has created so many problems in my life right now and especially with my walk with the Lord. So i ask myself.. why cant i just be happy where i am? Why cant i just be satisfied right here right now and for once like my surrounds, and get on board with God with what he has for me RIGHT NOW. Its as if i think God has made a mistake by placing me here and I forget time and time again that my life is His life. My dreams and desires were given to me by Him and maybe just maybe he wants me here at Liberty, uncomfortable, homesick, constantly feeling like i have to study, often lonely and struggling with feeling settled so I can realize my need for Him.
The uncomfortable is necessary. God know's, he understands, there is not an emotion i could feel that he has not already felt. God created emotion for goodness sake, I can definitely trust that feeling uncomfortable is part of his plan for my life right now. In my past when i've learned the most is when i've been uncomfortable and honestly desperate for God. I was desperate for God to change my heart when i learned what forgiveness meant, i was DESPERATE for God to show up and save my dad when i learned that ALL things work together for good and I want to be that desperate for God every day of my life because its then that i learn. So right now im learning that while im uncomfortable i can be desperate for God to move in my life and change my heart about certain situations right now. I can realize that I need him every single day of my life and i need Him in a real, tangible way.
to conclude: The uncomfortable is necessary in order to realize that I need God, I cant and was not made to do life alone. Without passionately perusing Him I loose myself in the world and I forget who I am made for, I forget what I stand for I forget what the difference Christ has made in my life and I forget how to embrace my current situations and appreciate where it is I find myself today.
until next time,
love me.
The uncomfortable is necessary.
I have discovered i have a hard time being at peace and being content with where i am. When i was little, i couldn't wait to be 16 and have my license, a boyfriend and boobs!! In high school i couldn't wait to be a senior.. in all honestly i really disliked high school, really really disliked high school. Those years were so awkward. My sophmore year i struggled through depression and learning to forgive. My junior and senior year ended up being a total emotionally draining blur with finally loving my dad and then having him taken away. (Although i gained him spiritually! Praise God). And now that i'm in college i yet again, can't wait to be DONE with school for good and get married. Walking from class back to my dorm one day it hit me... Every situation i find myself in I can't wait to get out of. And what a shame that is. I probably missed out on so many opportunities the Lord had for me in high school because i was too self consumed with focusing on future plans that i completely missed what He had for me right then. This has created so many problems in my life right now and especially with my walk with the Lord. So i ask myself.. why cant i just be happy where i am? Why cant i just be satisfied right here right now and for once like my surrounds, and get on board with God with what he has for me RIGHT NOW. Its as if i think God has made a mistake by placing me here and I forget time and time again that my life is His life. My dreams and desires were given to me by Him and maybe just maybe he wants me here at Liberty, uncomfortable, homesick, constantly feeling like i have to study, often lonely and struggling with feeling settled so I can realize my need for Him.
The uncomfortable is necessary. God know's, he understands, there is not an emotion i could feel that he has not already felt. God created emotion for goodness sake, I can definitely trust that feeling uncomfortable is part of his plan for my life right now. In my past when i've learned the most is when i've been uncomfortable and honestly desperate for God. I was desperate for God to change my heart when i learned what forgiveness meant, i was DESPERATE for God to show up and save my dad when i learned that ALL things work together for good and I want to be that desperate for God every day of my life because its then that i learn. So right now im learning that while im uncomfortable i can be desperate for God to move in my life and change my heart about certain situations right now. I can realize that I need him every single day of my life and i need Him in a real, tangible way.
to conclude: The uncomfortable is necessary in order to realize that I need God, I cant and was not made to do life alone. Without passionately perusing Him I loose myself in the world and I forget who I am made for, I forget what I stand for I forget what the difference Christ has made in my life and I forget how to embrace my current situations and appreciate where it is I find myself today.
until next time,
love me.
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